infertility, what you need to know but feel like you can't ask

I wanted to go to the experts on this topic. Not the scientists, but the moms that are in the trenches struggling with this because this is such a hard topic that no one seems to know how to talk about. It is heartbreaking for those of us who can't understand what it is like to experience the pain that infertility brings to women all over the world, but most importantly the ones that we interact with regularly. Like our friends, sisters, aunts and daughters who are openly or quietly struggling. I went to some Facebook groups with moms in them to hopefully get some insight and I got more than I will be able to share, but I will hopefully be able to get hit the big points that matter the most to these mamas. I asked four questions, so we will cover those first and then we will dive into all the extra insights they had for me. *The women that shared will remain anonymous and the names are just made up ones.*

If you are one of those mamas that commented you are reading this, I want to dedicate this blog post to you to say thank you. My heart goes out to all those that are waiting on their babies and or missing their angel babies. You have an incredible story and I am so grateful you shared it with us.

What's the hardest part?

One mama described how hard it was to actually go through a miscarriage. Watching the baby and it's home just flush down the drain like nothing happened. No, you probably wouldn't be able to see the baby at that stage, but they are still there.

A lot of the unknown is what is so hard for these mamas. Whether they are experiencing infertility or going through a miscarriage, it is the unknown. Not knowing why you can't get pregnant or why you did get pregnant, but lost the baby. There is no way of knowing how long infertility will last.

Some others said:

Infertility "For me the hardest part was knowing my body couldn't do something so simple and primal when everyone else seemed to." -Anna

Infertility "Not knowing when or if you'll ever get to experience parenthood while watching everyone around you become parents." -Evelyn

Infant loss "For me, the hardest part of the loss is feeling like my husband and I are the only ones who remember her." -Ivy

Infant loss "The worst part is when people try to rationalize what happened." -Natalie

Something that is also really hard is, feeling jealous and guilty when friends and family announce that they're pregnant. It is hard to feel happy for people when they're having their first, second and third baby when you haven't been able to have one.

What helps the most?

I got excited reading all of these responses because I think that we don't know how to help the mamas that are struggling with infertility or infant loss. I can tell you what the worst thing you can do is trying to fix it because the truth is that you CAN'T. Some things can only be done by the person.

• acts of service - bringing dinner, gifts, a favorite treat, gift cards, etc.

• gift idea... something tangible to hold with special meanings

• talking about their baby, keeping their memory alive

• holding space, validating and just being there

• do some research on your own to be able to ask good questions

• friends or family reaching out on a regular basis (one mama had some friends that would literally have a reminder in their phone to text her and see how she was doing)

• if you're in a group of women, it is safe to assume that at least one is dealing with infertility, so be kind and sensitive

• don't be afraid to break the stigma around infertility and child loss

• remembering the husband is going through this too

What doesn't help?

This is super important to note for the future, you don't want to cause more harm.

• pretending like the baby/pregnancy never existed

• giving advice that isn't wanted

• stop saying "just stop trying"

• don't try to fix it

• don't try to find the "bright side" or the silver lining

• anything that seems helpful, but is actually criticism like "at least you have one"

• telling them to stop trying

Getting through the hard days, weeks and years...

This is for the mamas going through infertility.

• find goals outside of wanting to be a parent

• enjoy time with your husband

• intentionally NOT putting your life on hold while you wait for your baby to come

• crying alone or with your husband

• feel the big emotions

• go to therapy

• say no to baby showers if it's too hard for you to go

• pray and let God walk with you

• hot baths and self care

• find some infertility accounts on Instagram, help raise awareness and find a community

• asking for help

• do your own research, switch doctors, ask for certain tests, advocate for yourself (doctors don't know everything and aren't super humans because they wear a white coat)

Something that I didn't think was going to mentioned, or something that I was even aware of was secondary infertility: the inability to conceive or carry a baby to term after previously giving birth. Just because you had a baby doesn't mean that you won't struggle with infertility. If you already have a baby and are struggling with secondary infertility, it doesn't mean that your struggle easier than someone that doesn't have a baby yet. Your feelings and emotions are still valid and you need support too.

Wow that was a lot of hard information to get through. If you are still here, thank you for reading. Thanks again to the women that made this post possible!!!

I hope that this brings some light to the loneliness of infertility. Women struggle with this everywhere and women that haven't will never be able to understand. I hope that both sides can come together and offer support to one another and break down some barriers. If you have anything to add, leave it in the comments!